Breakdown

I got up as usual this morning at stupid o'clock. Negotiated the usual mess of tripping over cats and roommates in the bathroom and kitchen. Cleaned off my car and left the house around the usual time.

This was one morning that I really would have liked to stay in bed. I stayed late after work last night to have dinner and see Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire with some girlfrieds from work. On any other night I would have simply stayed with one of them instead of driving home at 11 pm in a snowstorm. However, the roommate is going to Atlanta this weekend, and had asked me to drop her off at the airport on the way to work. So I had to come home last night, in order to drive her ass around this morning.

I wound up getting about 4 hours sleep last night, between the getting home late, the being too wound up from the drive to sleep, the cat waking me up at 4:30 because she wanted food... You can see why I just wanted to stay in my warm bed with my no-longer-hungry cats and my snuggly boyfriend (who turns 31 today!).

So a grumpy, tired, cold me started driving to work this morning. About 10 minutes away from my house, my car died.

The roommate took a taxi to the airport. I got a tow home and am now in my jammies.

I'm going back to bed.

Is it just me?

Well, today I can't even get into Buffyguide, so I suppose it doesn't matter that I can't make any posts.

*whimper*

In other news, it is snowing. Pretty! Of course, it waits until the day I have to drive home.

Bleeding Canadia. (Just for you, Iago!) [wink]


Update!

I am thrilled to let you all know that BG is back up and running. Not only that, but I can post again! [dance]


I think I may need a different hobby...

And thanks to Jenn and bettie for the reassurance. [hugs]

Ssh!

Everybody here is sleeping. Frank, three dogs, nine cats (and those are only the ones that I can see. There are a bunch more around here somewhere...)

I am at my mom's farm because Frank (my mom's partner) had heart surgery and can't be left alone until some time next week. Mom took last week off of work, but had to go back this week, so I'm here. Frank is doing quite well, all things considered, but he gets tired easily and sleeps a lot. We chat when he's awake, and it's been really great having the chance to have time together.

I have been attempting to work from here. I used to think it would be cool to work from home. I'm not so sure at the moment. Of course this isn't "home", and it's not an optimum working environment. I have dreams of a beautifully decorated, sunny room with lots of plants in it; ergonomic desk furniture; a chaise lounge for reading non-computer stuff; a warm kitty in my lap; a high speed internet connection...

Being on a farm (well, this one at any rate) means that I'm working on a dial-up connection. Except that it's slower than your average dial-up, and therefore more frustrating, especially when part of one's job is to upload stuff to and download stuff from a company website. I call it Farm Dial-Up.

A side effect of the FDU is that I can't post at my favourite internet place (Buffyguide) or look at funny photos on my second favourite internet place (Stuff On My Cat). But my friends over at BG have been keeping me entertained, which is really nice. Internet people are fun!

I'll be going home tomorrow night, which is a Good Thing (TM Martha Stewart). Not that I don't like visiting the farm. I do; it's very pretty and quiet and soothing and centering. I can do about 3 days, 4 at the outside. Then I need to get home Fred and my cats.

And apparently, my internet connection.

Lest We Forget

In Flanders Fields

In Flanders fields the poppies blow
Between the crosses, row on row,
That mark our place; and in the sky
The larks, still bravely singing, fly
Scarce heard amid the guns below.


We are the Dead. Short days ago
We lived, felt dawn, saw sunset glow,
Loved, and were loved, and now we lie
In Flanders fields.


Take up our quarrel with the foe:
To you from failing hands we throw
The torch; be yours to hold it high.
If ye break faith with us who die
We shall not sleep, though poppies grow
In Flanders fields.

Actually, that's not how it works...

Last week I had this conversation:

Me: "So you sounded like you had a better day today."
Her: "Actually, no. But I can't take it out on the executives. That's what best friends and room mates are for."
Me: "You know, sometimes you have to give the best friend a break."
Her: "Oh sweetie, just let me know."

*sigh*

I've been thinking about this a lot. Let's put aside the fact that I was telling her to give me a break. Also, let's put aside the fact that I don't consider her to be my best friend anymore. She's a person I thought I knew and finding out that I never actually knew her at all and that the past six years have been largely a lie was a more difficult thing for me to deal with than the end of my marriage. Let's just put all of that aside for a moment and look at the main thrust of that conversation up there.

"I can't take it out on the executives. That's what best friends...are for."

I am not saying that I am perfect. I am not saying that I have never taken anger, frustration or upset out on someone who does not deserve it. However, I try really hard not to do so because I believe that the people you love - your spouse, your family, your friends - should get the best of you. So what does it say about a person when she believes that it's ok to deliberately hurt the people she claims to love?

I've gone through many emotions in the past few months. I've been hurt by being betrayed, angry at the fool I've been made of, sad for the loss of something that was so important to me, and so much more. Now I find that I feel pity for her. A mutual friend said of her recent behaviour (I am not the only one feeling like she's lost a friend) "It's like she's looking in a mirror in the dark. She's looking at herself to the exclusion of all else, but not seeing a damn thing."

There's a part of me that still wants to help her, to try to make her happy, or help her find happiness within herself. Unfortunately, the part of me that is tired of the lies and manipulation, of putting myself on the line and being let down again is the larger part. I'm attempting to stay positive, to find a balance, to keep the peace. I'm attempting to get through the next five and a half months with grace and a minimum of conflict so that I can get back to the business of creating a home, and a nation of two.

Bad poetry alert!

Disclaimer: if reading free-verse stuff that I come up with on my long commute home doesn't appeal to you stop here. Otherwise, proceed at your own risk.

Reclamation

One foot-high stalk;
Green rising out of concrete.
Surrounded by glass, metal, smoke, smog and impatience.
Amidst the man-made ruin She shows her resiliance,
Her desire for reclamation.

Happy Samhain!

Or as it's more commonly said: Happy Halloween!

What is Samhain? Well, this article explains it far better than I can in a few short minutes before I run home. Hopefully I will be there in time to see at least a little bit of cute dressed up wee ones.


I hope you all enjoy your caaaaaandy!

Hard work

I now have links to blogs I like, and I've put all my pictures into Photobucket and figured out how to put a picture in my profile

I've been on the computer for 4 hours doing this.

I am bushed, but feel like I've accomplished something.

Go team me!

It's Electrifying!

A couple of weeks ago I finally conquered my fear that I will have to have knee surgery and went to a sports doctor.

Let's back up a bit. Ten years ago I was a music theatre student - triple threat: acting, singing and dancing. Prior to that I had been taking ballet since the age of 5 and also did some tap, jazz and modern, just to be well-rounded. In the 3rd year of my degree my body stopped doing what my brain told it to. Never mind Fosse, simple jetes were agony. I went to my doctor and she told me that if I wanted it to stop hurting, I should stop dancing, and that in about 10 years, I might need surgery.

Back to the present: I'm heavier than I should be by about 50 lbs. and I am spending 3-plus hours a day in stop-and-go traffic, then wearing heels at the office. I've been in some pretty serious pain, and other people can hear my right knee click when I climb stairs. So I bit the bullet and got a referral, mentally calculating whether we could manage to pay the bills if I had to go on short term disability for a while.

Happily, the hot young doctor (man, I wish I had shaved my legs that morning...) said that we'd give physiotherapy a shot for 4-6 weeks first. Yay for alternatives!

Now, once or twice a week I go to see Evangelia (Yes, that is her real name! I love it!) and she does funky things to my legs. The funkiest thing thus far has been to hook each of my thighs up to electrodes that shoot 10 milliamperes each into the muscles on the insides of my legs. I do this for 10 minutes, while also doing knee bends. And it works! It doesn't hurt to drive anymore, or to climb stairs. I still can't crouch, but it's getting there.

So the next time someone offers to electrocute you, don't dismiss them out of hand.
;-)

Damn, I'm sexy!

Despite recent (and ongoing) financial difficulties (Stoopid having to pay for things! It should all be a barter system I tell you!) F. and I decided that I could get new office footwear for the fall/winter months. My one pair of black office shoes were bought for $3 (CDN) at Value Village two years ago. They have recently lost a heel, and it was decided that rather than getting them repaired, I could get something new.

I walked into Payless this morning expecting to come out with a pair of sensible, low-heeled black shoes that I will be able to fit orthotics into. I walked out with a pair of kick-ass boots. They do fit the requirements: black, low-heeled, will be able to fit orthotics into them. They cost more than I had budgeted though. And I'm not sure that the $15 I've saved by not smoking for 2 days and however many hours covers the difference. But they make me look, and more importantly feel all sexy. Which is something I have been sorely lacking the last few months. Plus, as L. said, I never buy myself anything (she says that the occasional Oprah or Martha Stewart wedding magazine doesn't count).

In conclusion: I may be poor, but I'm sexy.

Ch-ch-ch-changes

Today I learned how to put a picture into a post! I also added the Quitmeter back to the bottom of the page, since I had my last smoke at about 1:00 this morning. Giving it another go on the premise that I'll never actually make it, if I don't keep trying. Also, towards that end, I've been on the South Beach plan for 3 weeks now, and have lost 11 lbs. I added a tracker for that too, from a website bettie used for a different kind of count down. *grin* I still need to figure out how to put links in the sidebar, and put my photo in my profile, but I'll leave those things for another time.

So those are the changes to my blog. And a couple of changes to my life. Which is a good thing for me to realize, because lately I've been feeling like I'm just spinning my wheels. People I love and admire are going places & doing things. One couple and two other friends have just purchased homes; five people are having babies; one person has gone back to school (please note that I am ectsatic for every single one of them, and there's no bad feeling about any of it, just some longing). I turned 32 last week, and felt the lack of my own home, marriage, children and the career I want full force. For a couple of days I was a royal pain in the ass to be around. Then T. pointed out all the things I do have going for me, and the stuff I have accomplished, and the stuff I'm working towards.

So, a week after Thanksgiving, I'm counting my blessings and my small achievements, and trying to remember that each step is one of many that will get me where I'm meant to be.

Testy kitty!

This is Callie, one of my lovely kitties. Yes, she does look pissed off. She always looks like that, even when getting loving and scritches. She is a fan of The Bears, Spike the cat, and the Rafs, but is a little too shy to say so herself.

I Am

Which tarot card are you?

This is very interesting. And certainly not what I expected.

What kind of cute animal are you?

You Are A: Duckling!

The cutest of the cute, these baby ducks are often spotted in the spring following closely behind their mother. As a duckling you will grow up quickly, becoming one of the adult ducks seen commonly in ponds and streams. Playful and timid, charming and vulnerable, ducklings are nature's very definition of innocence.

You were almost a: Puppy or a Lamb
You are least like a: Mouse or a MonkeyWhat Cute Animal Are You?

Hee!

The D Word

I arrived home from my wonderful 5 days away to find a Form 25A: Divorce Order waiting for me. This, for me, is a joyous thing. I left my husband in January of 2004 after only 15 months of marriage. It wasn't a bad marriage, but it wasn't a good one either. Although I have moved on with my life since then - new partner, new home, new job - I now feel like I can really get on with the rest of my life.

I have a number of friends who have also ended their marriages in the past couple of years. For each of us it has been a completely different experience. Some are very, very sad, even though they were the ones doing the leaving. Some, like me, are finding freedom in a new beginning. I wonder though, what is it about us (the women I know, who like me, have been married very short amounts of time) that is different from others who have had very difficult experiences and still managed to hold on to their marriages. Is it stubborn-ness? Is it that what they have, although not perfect, is more worth fighting for?

In each of my relationships, including my marriage, I was unfaithful to my partner. There are lots of reasons why, and I'm still trying to figure some of them out. But I've been with Fred now for longer than I stayed with anyone (other than my ex-husband) and in that time I haven't been drawn to any other person. He knows about my relationship and sexual history, and has from the beginning of our relationship, just as I'm familiar with his. We've had discussions about our fears for the future. Will he be able to actually make it to the altar with me (he's been engaged three times, but never made it to marriage)? Will I be able to stick it out through rough times with him, or will I run away? Or turn to someone else?

I'd like to think that we have "what it takes". That we're both older and wiser and stronger than we were in past relationships.

Mostly, I like to think that I've finally found "the one".

What happened...

So Jenn (BC Jenn, as opposed to ON Jenn) wanted to know what happened.

First let me point out that there is no longer a Quitmeter (TM) at the bottom of this page. *ahem*

Simply put, I fell off the wagon. I spent a weekend camping with friends. Most of whom are smokers. And there was drinking. And other...stuff. And I caved.

So now I am smoking again, albeit less than I was. I've stopped smoking in the car, and only go out for 1 a day at work instead of the previous 3. All in all, I'd say I went from my previous pack a day down to 7 cigarettes a day. So there is a small victory there.

I do want to quit. I just don't want it badly enough right now. Although my lungs sure aren't happy with me. My 32nd birthday is at the beginning of October, and that is my target. To be quit by then.

Fred (who is still not smoking and I am very proud of him!) and I are going away for a week in September, and I'm thinking that if not before then, that's the time to give it another shot.

I'll keep you posted, Jenn!

Day 5

Wow, it's been rocky. According to my little counter thingy, it's been 5 days and 9 hours since my last cigarette. Longest 5 days of my life. I've been using the Step One patches and wondering if they're a little strong. I've been having some very vivid dreams, which may be a side effect. Or, it may just be my brain dealing with some recent difficulties in my life. On the other hand of things, I've been wondering if the patch is doing anything at all, as I'm still having cravings like crazy.

Today I get to find out.

A. stayed home today so I was trying to decide this morning whether I should take the bus or drive in to work alone. Working on 6 hours sleep and having a headache was slowing down my thought processes. I decided to drive, even thought it was raining, since driving means less money spent today and less time spent standing around waiting for busses. I was about 40 km up the 401 from home when I realized I didn't put a patch on this morning. Nor do I have one on me. So we shall see what happens. I may have to run out at lunch for a box of Step 2's. Or I may discover that it really is my willpower that has carried me through the last 5 days. *fingers crossed*

Day 1

So. Here I am, a recovering smoker. There's a patch on my back and a Quitmeter counter at the bottom of my blog. Although today was supposed to be my quit date, I finished a pack of smokes at 11:15 last night and haven't had one since, so that's when I'm counting from.

So far so good. It would help if there was milk for my tea. Meh.

Quitter

Tonight I stopped on my way home and bought a box of Step 1 Transdermal Nicotine Patches.


I'm scared shitless.


I want to quit smoking. I've been doing it for the better part of 15 years. I stopped once, for a couple of years, but started again when my mom had a bad horse back riding accident and I had a hard time dealing with the fact that she's mortal.

Now is the right time for me to do this. I'm not enjoying anything about smoking anymore and 4 of my friends have quit successfully in the past few months, not to mention all of the folks over at the WD who have managed to kick the habit. My boyfriend, who has been smoking for over 20 years quit on Monday. I figure if he can do it, so can I.

My fear of quitting comes in two flavours:
1. I'm afraid I won't be able to do it.
2. I'm afraid I will be able to do it.

Number one feeds on my general fear of failure. There have been times in my life when I just wouldn't try something because I might do it wrong. Thankfully, I'm mostly past that now, but in this instance, the fear has come back with a vengeance.

Number two is all about my image of who I am. When you do something several times a day for years it becomes a part of your self image. Who am I? I'm a non-practicing bi-sexual pagan smoker. And a couple of other things, but in the us-against-them war, I've been firmly on the side of the carcinogenically inclined for some time now. So changing that label is going to be difficult.

The reasons I have for quitting are many, and all good ones. I'm tired of the way I smell. I don't like the taste anymore, even though I smoke the minty version. My throat hurts, I get wheezy in the mornings, I cough before I go to sleep at night. My singing voice is not so good any more. I can't afford it. I want babies.

So wish me luck. Wish me willpower. Wish me success.

Update!

Yeah.

So, I've got a new job, that I pretty much like.

My best friend moved in with me and the boyfriend at the beginning of April. The new job is with her. So we spend a lot of time together. This is sometimes a good thing, and sometimes not a good thing. We're managing.

I've finally got the $300 I need to finalize my divorce. Yay!

Yeah.

Note to self: if you're going to have a blog, get more interesting.