Quitter

Tonight I stopped on my way home and bought a box of Step 1 Transdermal Nicotine Patches.


I'm scared shitless.


I want to quit smoking. I've been doing it for the better part of 15 years. I stopped once, for a couple of years, but started again when my mom had a bad horse back riding accident and I had a hard time dealing with the fact that she's mortal.

Now is the right time for me to do this. I'm not enjoying anything about smoking anymore and 4 of my friends have quit successfully in the past few months, not to mention all of the folks over at the WD who have managed to kick the habit. My boyfriend, who has been smoking for over 20 years quit on Monday. I figure if he can do it, so can I.

My fear of quitting comes in two flavours:
1. I'm afraid I won't be able to do it.
2. I'm afraid I will be able to do it.

Number one feeds on my general fear of failure. There have been times in my life when I just wouldn't try something because I might do it wrong. Thankfully, I'm mostly past that now, but in this instance, the fear has come back with a vengeance.

Number two is all about my image of who I am. When you do something several times a day for years it becomes a part of your self image. Who am I? I'm a non-practicing bi-sexual pagan smoker. And a couple of other things, but in the us-against-them war, I've been firmly on the side of the carcinogenically inclined for some time now. So changing that label is going to be difficult.

The reasons I have for quitting are many, and all good ones. I'm tired of the way I smell. I don't like the taste anymore, even though I smoke the minty version. My throat hurts, I get wheezy in the mornings, I cough before I go to sleep at night. My singing voice is not so good any more. I can't afford it. I want babies.

So wish me luck. Wish me willpower. Wish me success.