Last week I had this conversation:
Me: "So you sounded like you had a better day today."
Her: "Actually, no. But I can't take it out on the executives. That's what best friends and room mates are for."
Me: "You know, sometimes you have to give the best friend a break."
Her: "Oh sweetie, just let me know."
I've been thinking about this a lot. Let's put aside the fact that I was telling her to give me a break. Also, let's put aside the fact that I don't consider her to be my best friend anymore. She's a person I thought I knew and finding out that I never actually knew her at all and that the past six years have been largely a lie was a more difficult thing for me to deal with than the end of my marriage. Let's just put all of that aside for a moment and look at the main thrust of that conversation up there.
"I can't take it out on the executives. That's what best friends...are for."
I am not saying that I am perfect. I am not saying that I have never taken anger, frustration or upset out on someone who does not deserve it. However, I try really hard not to do so because I believe that the people you love - your spouse, your family, your friends - should get the best of you. So what does it say about a person when she believes that it's ok to deliberately hurt the people she claims to love?
I've gone through many emotions in the past few months. I've been hurt by being betrayed, angry at the fool I've been made of, sad for the loss of something that was so important to me, and so much more. Now I find that I feel pity for her. A mutual friend said of her recent behaviour (I am not the only one feeling like she's lost a friend) "It's like she's looking in a mirror in the dark. She's looking at herself to the exclusion of all else, but not seeing a damn thing."
There's a part of me that still wants to help her, to try to make her happy, or help her find happiness within herself. Unfortunately, the part of me that is tired of the lies and manipulation, of putting myself on the line and being let down again is the larger part. I'm attempting to stay positive, to find a balance, to keep the peace. I'm attempting to get through the next five and a half months with grace and a minimum of conflict so that I can get back to the business of creating a home, and a nation of two.