Monday, November 07, 2005

Actually, that's not how it works...

Last week I had this conversation:

Me: "So you sounded like you had a better day today."
Her: "Actually, no. But I can't take it out on the executives. That's what best friends and room mates are for."
Me: "You know, sometimes you have to give the best friend a break."
Her: "Oh sweetie, just let me know."


I've been thinking about this a lot. Let's put aside the fact that I was telling her to give me a break. Also, let's put aside the fact that I don't consider her to be my best friend anymore. She's a person I thought I knew and finding out that I never actually knew her at all and that the past six years have been largely a lie was a more difficult thing for me to deal with than the end of my marriage. Let's just put all of that aside for a moment and look at the main thrust of that conversation up there.

"I can't take it out on the executives. That's what best friends...are for."

I am not saying that I am perfect. I am not saying that I have never taken anger, frustration or upset out on someone who does not deserve it. However, I try really hard not to do so because I believe that the people you love - your spouse, your family, your friends - should get the best of you. So what does it say about a person when she believes that it's ok to deliberately hurt the people she claims to love?

I've gone through many emotions in the past few months. I've been hurt by being betrayed, angry at the fool I've been made of, sad for the loss of something that was so important to me, and so much more. Now I find that I feel pity for her. A mutual friend said of her recent behaviour (I am not the only one feeling like she's lost a friend) "It's like she's looking in a mirror in the dark. She's looking at herself to the exclusion of all else, but not seeing a damn thing."

There's a part of me that still wants to help her, to try to make her happy, or help her find happiness within herself. Unfortunately, the part of me that is tired of the lies and manipulation, of putting myself on the line and being let down again is the larger part. I'm attempting to stay positive, to find a balance, to keep the peace. I'm attempting to get through the next five and a half months with grace and a minimum of conflict so that I can get back to the business of creating a home, and a nation of two.


The Bears said...

This is where we don't understand humoo logic. We thought it was executives that were there to take things out on. When people take to the streets in protest, they are protesting leaders of governmoo and business, not their friends. Why should that be any differoo just becoo you aren't taking to the streets, but sitting in your apartmoo?

OK Bye
Noel "Snowflake" Chompsky

Jenn said...

I'm so sorry. This is one of the silliest things I've heard. And I totally agree with you that the LAST people you take things out on are friends and loved ones. And it is pretty sad because that would be a lonely place as the friends and loved ones will not be there for comfort and caring if you keep blasting away at them.

But all in all, I care about you and want you to be happy - so I hope you continue to find ways to insulate yourself and be safe in your home space (as much as possible).


Annika said...

I am really, really bad about taking shit out on my loved ones. My poor husband may get the best of me, but he also gets the worst of me. That said, your friend must die. She is being totally unreasonable, ADMITTED IT, and failed to listen when you stated your needs. And when a crappy friend like me thinks she's being a bitch? It's gotta be bad...right?

Jess said...

Hi! Don't think I've commented before, but I've been lurking.

What's so bad about this is not so much that she takes it out on loved ones - something I think we all do now and then - but that she knows she does it, and that she thinks that's OK. That that's what you're there for. I mean, what? I thought my loved ones were there to bring reciprocal life enrichment, or something, not to be a punching bag.

Anyway, hi! And thanks for the rafs (since I forgot to reply to your email).

Anonymous said...

Someone once said that we hurt the ones we lvoe the most, because we know they'll forgive us far more than those we know less well (colleagues, neighbours, people on the fringes of our life).

But she's taking that for granted. I think I take stuff out on people close to me, but I try to be there for them too.