Sunday, September 18, 2005

The D Word

I arrived home from my wonderful 5 days away to find a Form 25A: Divorce Order waiting for me. This, for me, is a joyous thing. I left my husband in January of 2004 after only 15 months of marriage. It wasn't a bad marriage, but it wasn't a good one either. Although I have moved on with my life since then - new partner, new home, new job - I now feel like I can really get on with the rest of my life.

I have a number of friends who have also ended their marriages in the past couple of years. For each of us it has been a completely different experience. Some are very, very sad, even though they were the ones doing the leaving. Some, like me, are finding freedom in a new beginning. I wonder though, what is it about us (the women I know, who like me, have been married very short amounts of time) that is different from others who have had very difficult experiences and still managed to hold on to their marriages. Is it stubborn-ness? Is it that what they have, although not perfect, is more worth fighting for?

In each of my relationships, including my marriage, I was unfaithful to my partner. There are lots of reasons why, and I'm still trying to figure some of them out. But I've been with Fred now for longer than I stayed with anyone (other than my ex-husband) and in that time I haven't been drawn to any other person. He knows about my relationship and sexual history, and has from the beginning of our relationship, just as I'm familiar with his. We've had discussions about our fears for the future. Will he be able to actually make it to the altar with me (he's been engaged three times, but never made it to marriage)? Will I be able to stick it out through rough times with him, or will I run away? Or turn to someone else?

I'd like to think that we have "what it takes". That we're both older and wiser and stronger than we were in past relationships.

Mostly, I like to think that I've finally found "the one".

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