Wednesday, July 04, 2012

Stuck

Last night I drove home under a full moon, and I thought about where I am in my life.

"It's been a rough few months." I think.  And then I think "Wait a minute, this time last year, I was in pretty much exactly the same place I am now.  What gives?  Why haven't I been able to progress in a year? What's stuck?"

Some things have changed.  I can deadlift 100 lbs. fifteen times in one work out.  This time last year I was barely able to use a 15 lb. dumbbell.  I've got a better sense of self - I've realized that people actually like me, and that I'm funny, and I'm a good friend.  It used to surprise me when people would want to spend time with me.  I told myself a story: that I was invisible, and unloveable.  So, that's changed too.

I think a part of that change, that rediscovered sense of self, has impacted how I feel about other parts of my life - or rather - how I want to change the way I manage the parts that I am unhappy with.

If I'm completely honest, I spend a lot of time blaming outside factors for my lack of forward movement. I was waiting for our beloved (ancient, incontinent) dog to pass before doing anything about moving to a new house.  I don't do a good job of cleaning the house we live in because my husband doesn't pitch in as much as I'd like him to.  My finances aren't where I want them to be because my husband and I don't share the same philosophy when it comes to money. You see where I'm coming from - I haven't taken adequate responsibility for my own stuff.

Is it true that it's harder to manage shared finances than just doing it on your own?  Sure. Do two people make more of a mess than one?  Probably. But, just because he buys a video game when I'm not expecting it, that doesn't mean I can go buy a dress.  Just because he doesn't pick up his pop cans, that doesn't mean I shouldn't wash the floor.

These are little-big things.  They are small things that can have a big, big impact when unhappiness around them piles up over days, weeks, months, years.

Then, there are big-big things.  We went through the fertility testing process.  Our options, at the end of it all, would mean that we would not have natural children of our own.  We discussed, and dismissed adoption.  Except that I can't really dismiss it.  I can't really let go of the feeling that I would be a good mother - that I want to have that chance.  I can't figure out yet if I can channel that into being a Big Sister - if being the cool "aunt" or the nifty lady down the block will be enough for me.  And if it's not, what does that mean for the path we're on?

So, I'm stuck.  Just as stuck as a year ago, albeit for different reasons.  I need to sort out what I can change - where I can unstick me. 

3 comments:

tigerleo said...

Lady, I don't say it enough but I *adore* you. And I think that I share a lot of the same kinds of stuck-ness that you do. Why bother washing the floor when 2 dogs, a cat who like to play in the litter box, and a shoes-friendly, poorly constructed hardwood .... shit. That is a crap sentence, but you get where I was going with it. EXCUSES!!!! I am the Queen of All Sardinia when it comes to them. The last year of my life (hell - the last 7 years, really) has been all about change and moving forward, but I still feel stuck too. I am gaining weight when I know for my health that I have to lose it. I am still over-spending, even though I have a great goal to move towards, and a budget that would make Suze Orman proud. I don't get out enough. As in socially. I have had 2 dates in the past 3(ish?) years. And mostly, I am stuck at work. STUUUUCK. I am trying to count my blessings and stay focused, but dammit this "responsible adult" thing is HARD!! Whatever you ultimately decide about having/not having a family, it will be the right decision because you will have given it so much thought and consideration, that it could not help but be right. And just like I will love to be Crazy Aunt Leslie to someone's kids eventually, you will always be Crazy Aunt Ang to my kid(s) (**fingerscrossed**). I know it isn't the same as little ones of your own (no matter which side of the fence you end up on), but they will love you too :)

Annika said...

YOU CAN DEADLIFT 100 POUNDS? Good grief. I am in so much awe of you right now.

I found a blog that's REALLY helping me deal with cleaning stuff (and indirectly with other grown-up stuff): http://unfuckyourhabitat.tumblr.com/

On the children front, if adoption doesn't feel off the table to you, I think there needs to be another conversation.

<3 <3 <3

Amanda said...

Sometimes you have to step back and take a look at yourself from the outside to see what's really going on. Sounds like you've made huge progress right here.

I'm so sorry about the fertility test results. That would be my biggest nightmare right now, six months after my miscarriage, and my heart hurts for you. I wish you the best in figuring out where you go from here. [hugs]