Last night I drove home under a full moon, and I thought about where I am in my life.
"It's been a rough few months." I think. And then I think "Wait a minute, this time last year, I was in pretty much exactly the same place I am now. What gives? Why haven't I been able to progress in a year? What's stuck?"
Some things have changed. I can deadlift 100 lbs. fifteen times in one work out. This time last year I was barely able to use a 15 lb. dumbbell. I've got a better sense of self - I've realized that people actually like me, and that I'm funny, and I'm a good friend. It used to surprise me when people would want to spend time with me. I told myself a story: that I was invisible, and unloveable. So, that's changed too.
I think a part of that change, that rediscovered sense of self, has impacted how I feel about other parts of my life - or rather - how I want to change the way I manage the parts that I am unhappy with.
If I'm completely honest, I spend a lot of time blaming outside factors for my lack of forward movement. I was waiting for our beloved (ancient, incontinent) dog to pass before doing anything about moving to a new house. I don't do a good job of cleaning the house we live in because my husband doesn't pitch in as much as I'd like him to. My finances aren't where I want them to be because my husband and I don't share the same philosophy when it comes to money. You see where I'm coming from - I haven't taken adequate responsibility for my own stuff.
Is it true that it's harder to manage shared finances than just doing it on your own? Sure. Do two people make more of a mess than one? Probably. But, just because he buys a video game when I'm not expecting it, that doesn't mean I can go buy a dress. Just because he doesn't pick up his pop cans, that doesn't mean I shouldn't wash the floor.
These are little-big things. They are small things that can have a big, big impact when unhappiness around them piles up over days, weeks, months, years.
Then, there are big-big things. We went through the fertility testing process. Our options, at the end of it all, would mean that we would not have natural children of our own. We discussed, and dismissed adoption. Except that I can't really dismiss it. I can't really let go of the feeling that I would be a good mother - that I want to have that chance. I can't figure out yet if I can channel that into being a Big Sister - if being the cool "aunt" or the nifty lady down the block will be enough for me. And if it's not, what does that mean for the path we're on?
So, I'm stuck. Just as stuck as a year ago, albeit for different reasons. I need to sort out what I can change - where I can unstick me.