Warning: there's gonna be some self-pity. I've been torn about making complainy posts here because I know people who are much sicker, much more tired and likely much more frustrated than I am. I am reminded, though, that my world is mine and other people's worlds are theirs. In my world I'm sick, tired and frustrated.
Almost two weeks ago the roommate caught a cold. She was working at a conference for a couple of days and stayed in the city. On the Friday of that week, instead of staying home and getting better, she elected to come to the office which meant a grand total of 3 hours spent trapped in a car with me (this was how she once described our daily commute. Yes, I'm having a hard time letting go of that one.) Last Monday I came down with the cold: sore throat, headache, chills, fever, etc. I spent two days at home (until the fever went away) and have been steadily getting better since. Except for the coughing. It's not bad during the day as long as I keep up a steady supply of water and don't let my throat dry out. Nighttime is another story. I cough if I lay down too flat, I cough if I don't lay down flat enough, I cough if I get too warm, I cough if I get too cold. I've been through 3 different cough remedies, and I'm still waking myself up coughing at 2 am.
This brings me to #2, tired. I. Am. Exhausted. This morning I was fighting sleep while driving the 401. Biting my tongue to shock myself into alertness, that sort of thing. Highly dangerous. Not the first time either. I don't know what to do about it. The roommate doesn't drive, and usually falls asleep herself. Even if she doesn't, there's little to no conversation so it's not like I get any stimulation from that area. I do listen to the radio, and change to cd sometimes, loud stuff like Blink-182 and Green Day. I have a coffee with me every morning. I have tried going to bed earlier at night, but at some point I need time to have life and getting home at 7 or 7:30 at night doesn't leave much time for relaxing. Last night there was laundry to do, dinner to make and clean up from and lunches to make. Fred does help me since he knows how tired I am, so it's not like I'm doing it all alone. Still. In order to get anything at all done on an average night (never mind one on which I want to go to the gym) I rarely sit down to relax before 10. Which, when I get up at 5:30 in the morning is technically past by bedtime. I'm burning out.
Which brings me to #3: frustration. I feel stuck. I don't have time to do things I really want to do. I'm looking for a new job close to home, which would certainly help with the situation, but I can't take a job just to take a job closer to home. I had an interview at a place in Kitchener, but I turned down a second interview because while it was only a 1/2 hour drive from home, it was a large pay cut, a contract with no guarantee of a job at the end of 10 months, and what promised to be pretty boring work. I've spent every day since I turned down the second interview wondering if I made a mistake, but I don't want to take a job just for the sake of getting a job. I want to do something that I won't hate; I don't have to be in love with it, I just don't want to hate it. I'm not challenged at work right now and as a result of that (plus the exhaustion) I've started to make mistakes. I don't like making mistakes. I get upset and embarrassed. Then it flows into my personal life and I make mistakes there, and I get more upset and more embarrassed. While I was trying in vain to fall asleep last night I relived over and over again the embarrassment I felt when I mis-read an email from a member of a group I sing with, and sent an answer out to a whole bunch of people, which showed I obviously didn't read the first email very carefully, and I felt like a numpty.
Another part of feeling stuck is that I'm waiting. Waiting to get my house back, waiting for everyone to be ready to move on to the next part of our lives, waiting for there to be enough time, enough space, enough money. Waiting. I'm taking control of the things that I can (going to the gym, job searching, stuff like that). Some of the waiting will be done soon (about 2 months at this point). Some of it (like the money part) likely never will be, since really, how much money is enough?
I'm all over the map, here, I know. This is a peek inside my brain these days, and it distresses me because it's not what I'm usually like. *sigh* If anyone's looking for me, I'll be napping under my desk.