Tuesday, March 14, 2006

Sick, tired, frustrated.

Warning: there's gonna be some self-pity. I've been torn about making complainy posts here because I know people who are much sicker, much more tired and likely much more frustrated than I am. I am reminded, though, that my world is mine and other people's worlds are theirs. In my world I'm sick, tired and frustrated.

Almost two weeks ago the roommate caught a cold. She was working at a conference for a couple of days and stayed in the city. On the Friday of that week, instead of staying home and getting better, she elected to come to the office which meant a grand total of 3 hours spent trapped in a car with me (this was how she once described our daily commute. Yes, I'm having a hard time letting go of that one.) Last Monday I came down with the cold: sore throat, headache, chills, fever, etc. I spent two days at home (until the fever went away) and have been steadily getting better since. Except for the coughing. It's not bad during the day as long as I keep up a steady supply of water and don't let my throat dry out. Nighttime is another story. I cough if I lay down too flat, I cough if I don't lay down flat enough, I cough if I get too warm, I cough if I get too cold. I've been through 3 different cough remedies, and I'm still waking myself up coughing at 2 am.

This brings me to #2, tired. I. Am. Exhausted. This morning I was fighting sleep while driving the 401. Biting my tongue to shock myself into alertness, that sort of thing. Highly dangerous. Not the first time either. I don't know what to do about it. The roommate doesn't drive, and usually falls asleep herself. Even if she doesn't, there's little to no conversation so it's not like I get any stimulation from that area. I do listen to the radio, and change to cd sometimes, loud stuff like Blink-182 and Green Day. I have a coffee with me every morning. I have tried going to bed earlier at night, but at some point I need time to have life and getting home at 7 or 7:30 at night doesn't leave much time for relaxing. Last night there was laundry to do, dinner to make and clean up from and lunches to make. Fred does help me since he knows how tired I am, so it's not like I'm doing it all alone. Still. In order to get anything at all done on an average night (never mind one on which I want to go to the gym) I rarely sit down to relax before 10. Which, when I get up at 5:30 in the morning is technically past by bedtime. I'm burning out.

Which brings me to #3: frustration. I feel stuck. I don't have time to do things I really want to do. I'm looking for a new job close to home, which would certainly help with the situation, but I can't take a job just to take a job closer to home. I had an interview at a place in Kitchener, but I turned down a second interview because while it was only a 1/2 hour drive from home, it was a large pay cut, a contract with no guarantee of a job at the end of 10 months, and what promised to be pretty boring work. I've spent every day since I turned down the second interview wondering if I made a mistake, but I don't want to take a job just for the sake of getting a job. I want to do something that I won't hate; I don't have to be in love with it, I just don't want to hate it. I'm not challenged at work right now and as a result of that (plus the exhaustion) I've started to make mistakes. I don't like making mistakes. I get upset and embarrassed. Then it flows into my personal life and I make mistakes there, and I get more upset and more embarrassed. While I was trying in vain to fall asleep last night I relived over and over again the embarrassment I felt when I mis-read an email from a member of a group I sing with, and sent an answer out to a whole bunch of people, which showed I obviously didn't read the first email very carefully, and I felt like a numpty.

Another part of feeling stuck is that I'm waiting. Waiting to get my house back, waiting for everyone to be ready to move on to the next part of our lives, waiting for there to be enough time, enough space, enough money. Waiting. I'm taking control of the things that I can (going to the gym, job searching, stuff like that). Some of the waiting will be done soon (about 2 months at this point). Some of it (like the money part) likely never will be, since really, how much money is enough?

I'm all over the map, here, I know. This is a peek inside my brain these days, and it distresses me because it's not what I'm usually like. *sigh* If anyone's looking for me, I'll be napping under my desk.


CosmicAvatar said...

That situation sounds pretty damned intolerable. You've started to make the right moves though, which is good. Don't be put off by a pay cut, provided it won't cripple you, as that can be a temporary problem and sorted out later. You know what the important stuff is.

I hope you you find a job that you feel could be good for you very soon as you shouldn't have to carry on like this.

Helen said...

I know how you feel about the job thing. So I can really sympathise.

I hope things start resolving themselves soon - you're already doing what I would suggest (taking control of the things you can control).

[hugs] and [chocolate]

allison said...

This sounds scarily familiar.I think you know exactly how much I can sympathise with you about all of this. The sleepiness while driving really concerns me. We want you around for a good long while, so don't do this to yourself!

Now let me tell you how important it is that you take some time for yourself--any way you can! Since taking my time off, I finally realize how totally exhausted I was and how much I needed this time. It has allowed me to rest and to refocus and to spend my energy on important things like finding a new job. And getting well, too.

Not meaning to lecture, but I really do know how hard this is. Call me anytime if you want a friendly ear.

Big PoZer said...

In my world I'm sick, tired and frustrated.

And, seriously... that's all that matters.

I want to do something that I won't hate; I don't have to be in love with it, I just don't want to hate it.

No, you definitely don't want to take a job you hate. That will just cause all three nasties you're dealing with right now to get worse!

If anyone's looking for me, I'll be napping under my desk.

Oh, hun. I wish I could be there right now to help you with chores (so you could get some more sleep!), make you some chicken soup, and give you a hug.

I hope your cough clears up soon, your job search bears some sweet fruit, and that all the other stuff you're waiting on falls into place.


Mimosa said...

Poor Podgy.
Pure codeine will help with both the cough, and relaxing you, but requres a prescription. Also miraculous for nerverending cough-saline nasal rinse-sounds gross and works. Zeller's pharmacy-about 14 bucks.
Sending you all the good local job links Sissy sends me.
And lots of warm thoughts. Can't wait to see you on Sunday.

Warm hugs.

Kim said...

I have nothing to offer other than heartfelt sympathy. I don't think you need any advice as you're doing all the right things.

Everyone has down times, no matter how good things seem from the outside (e.g. me - thanks for you sympathies, btw). Any support I can give, just ask.