Thursday, May 20, 2004

The reason for it.

For most of my life I have been the person people bring their secrets to. I have listened, and given hugs, advice or silence as required. This is a role that I am, by and large, comfortable in. Lately I find my patience with other people's lives lessening.

For 18 months my best friend has been fighting to save her marriage. I admire her for it, and I have been her ear through the whole thing. Even as I am ending my own very short lived marriage (only 15 months, not even as long as she's been fighting), I have been (her words) her rock, a tower of strength, the only thing that has kept her going some days. All of which is wonderful, and very flattering.

It's just that I'm tired. Perhaps weary is a better word. Everyday the problems are more of the same, and I'm feeling like a broken record. I'm not a trained marriage counsellor, or any other kind, which is really what she (they) need(s); they are unwilling to trust anyone else, certainly not a stranger. I've become so invested in their struggles that I get angry on her behalf (and to be fair, sometimes on his behalf too, as he is also my friend, independent of their marriage). I have begun to allow their problems to take an emotional toll on me. I'd like to break out of that, but I really don't know how. *sigh*

I'd also like to be weak for a little while. To be able to lay down my fears at the feet of someone who could be my rock. It's not that she hasn't been there for me, she has. And I would not have been able to get through the last four months without her support. But I just signed my separation agreement. And the man I love (please note: *not* the soon to be ex-husband) has his own set of crap, which I feel prevents me from unloading on him.

So I've started this blog. A place to go where I can unload when I need to. My friends won't get a link to it, or even know of it's existence. It's my own place; my private/public cubby hole, to do with as I like.


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