Wednesday, March 05, 2008


That's me: messy.

The past few months have been weird for me emotionally. I go from crying at my desk, at home, on the phone, heartbreaking unhappiness to being very happy and having a lot of fun, making jokes and being in a genuinely good mood, and back to being an emotional black hole again. The change can take place over a number of days or in a matter of hours.

I think a lot of it is winter, and snow. I'm just sooooo tired of the white. I'm craving green, and flowers and some blue sky. Some of it is working two jobs and my inability to say no to volunteer things (I don't mean the Heart and Stroke stuff, I mean the local production I wasn't going to be in and am now singing two songs and sewing three costumes for), and my general burning of my candle not just at both ends but straight up the middle as well. Some of it is my frustration with having even less time with my husband than I used to (working and rehearing on weekends is eating into the only time we have to spend together). There's money stress, still.

There are other things going on too. I am achy all the time; joints, muscles, back/head. I'm experiencing insomnia again like I was a while back, but I'm out of the sleep aids my former doctor prescribed. I'm comfort eating like crazy.

I stood in my friend's kitchen last night and cried because she's got a little shelf up with a few life-affirming kind of things on it; exactly the kind of thing I'd like to make for myself, but I just can't get motivated to put away my laundry, never mind pull together something like that.

I know I need to see a doctor, that there's something here beyond me just being tired, but there aren't any available in my city right now, and no-one at a walk-in clinic is going to help me.

I don't like myself when I'm like this, but when I don't like myself I don't think I deserve to be good to myself and do things that are good for me, and would in turn help me be the me I like. It's like a reverse catch-22. And it's messy.

Edited to add: Can you tell today isn't one of the good ones?


Annika said...

I love your use of the word "messy" because that's just what it's like. I've been there. I hope you get... less messy. I hate unsolicited assvice but I'm going to offer some anyway -- have you tried chiropractic? When I get really overwhelmed I often think that if my body felt better I could handle the emotional stuff more adeptly, and that usually proves out.

Anonymous said...

Hiya :) I'm sorry you're going through these awful feelings. I used to do way too much as well and every night I'd be shaking, I was so tired.

I think working two jobs and involving yourself in the Heart and Stroke Foundation is enough. When you do too much, your body tries to tell you by making everything ache.

I have a feeling the doctors at the Walk-in clinic will be able to help you and you may just find an excellent doctor there who will, not only listen to you, but may give you something to help you sleep and might become your regular physician.

I think you should get a doctor's note recommending that you not only get out of the play you're doing, but also recommend that you not make the three costumes.

You need to choose the activities in life that make you happy such as having more quality time with your husband.

You might have S.A.D. and might perk up when the days get sunnier. I don't know how you do all that you do. No wonder you're feeling stressed out and unhappy.

I hope you feel better soon.

Jan in Toronto

allison said...

Man, what is going on with the world these days? I am sorry you are feeling so yuck, both emotionally and physically, so let me return the nice hug you gave me tenfold. [hug10]*

*that's hug to the tenth power, in case you didn't already figure it out.

Jess said...

I have no advice since I'm living in the same emotional place right now. I just wanted you to know you're not alone. {{hug}}

Anonymous said...

Jess is right - you aren't alone. Seems like everybody is feeling like this winter needed to end about 2 years ago. Random crying seems to be the "norm" right now.


jenn said...

Hmm, I had this conversation with a friend last night. I think it is extra hard out east (and north for bc) right now due to the weather.

My walk in dr gave me meds - just so you know. Go to five in a row until you get one that will prescribe! Maybe call the health unit and see if they can help?

And, if possible, leave the laundry and make the shelf. Cause the thing about laundry is that it gets worn the same out of the basket and then goes in the wash as if you had put it away. Let a few cycles not get put away, but have your priority be your shelf (er, I understand that "shelf" is possibly code for whatever you need).

My shelf are the new cards ;)


Oh, and totally ignore me if I was too much with helpful jenn here. I'm avoiding marking and drank too much tea (I'm a wide animal) this morning.

jenn said...

Oh yeah, I was going to say how I just let the bathroom miss the weekly clean one week and the floors missed their weekly clean the next week.. and nothing exploded.

Or if it did it was too messy for me to see that is exploded.

Which, same difference in my books.

Anonymous said...

Jenn - I like your moxie :)

I am personally eschewing all vacuuming (I can never spell that word) for the time being. Luckily both Phoebe and Pixel have fur that sorta blends into the carpet.

Oh - and I was really happy recently that the building replaced our toilets with low-flow versions cause it meant I didn't have to clean it for a while longer :)

Housework can wait! Make the shelf. The world will not end and you will be happier for it.

CosmicAvatar said...

I think this winter was exceptionally hard for SAD sufferers because there wasn't a heck of a lot of summer for a lot of people to get them "stocked up", as it were. I'm amazed by how many people I know are in the same place right now. (As was I this time last year.)

I do hope it is just winter blues and will start receding as spring comes, but keep an eye on it, as it could be something more.