Guenivere

Just now, sitting at my desk, working on vacation reconcilitaion and listening to "Guenivere" by Shaye, I had a major revelation.

There was someone I was so angry with for so long. I just realized where part of that came from.

I was mad at her for being like me, with my storied sexual history, and her hiding affairs, and both of us being cheaters. She was meant to be the one who was stable and stuff, and she wasn't. I was mad that she lied to me, yes, and that she used me to further her agenda in her relationships, but I just realized that it was really that I was mad at me, and mad at her for being like me.

You see, until my current relationship, my current marriage, I have never had a relationship in which I was completely faithful. Even in my first marriage, which was an open one, I managed to go outside the rules of engagement, as it were.

This part of the song was something I believed about myself for so long:

"Sorry but I can't help myself
So I can't help you
I'm always searching
For something new
It's in my nature to be untrue"

It's something I still struggle against, and while I know that I wouldn't cross that line again (because trust me if it were going to happen , it would have happened this year), it's something I'm aware of. I get crushes, I flirt with people, but I work very hard at keeping that arm's-length engaged.

I wonder where this comes from in me. It's quite likely that at least one of my grandfathers philandered, and I know that another family member flirted with the idea but didn't follow through. Is it nature? Does it have something to do with experiences I had as a teenager and my resulting lack of self-care? I think the answer is a little of both.

Ultimately, I think I was chasing a fairy tale. People talk about how you don't want to settle, you should wait for the perfect...whatever. I don't think I have settled, although my life is not a fairy tale. That's just as well, since I would get pretty bored up in a tower all day.

"It wasn't just you, it wasn't just this
Maybe I'm looking for something that just don't exist
It wasn't just you, it wasn't just here
I'm not lady, I am Guenivere"

Impromptu Poetry

Leone tagged me to do some impromptu poetry. Her's rhymes. Mine doesn't.


Cat

I fell in love with you after we broke up;
After you decided
(and rightly so)
That you deserved more in a girlfriend
Than a bi-chick who was already
Mostly committed to her boyfriend
And two cats.

I enjoyed our nights while we were a couple.
Our Portishead underscored lovemaking;
Waiting for your roommate and her girlfriend
To slam into or out of your apartment.
I looked forward to making out in our tiny kitchens
While we waited for the tea to brew.
I relished your scent,
(Body Shop, Second Cup and Pope Joan)
But it was none of these things that made me fall for you.

It was later, when we were friends.
It was our Tuesday teas
(What is it with me and Tuesday?)
When we talked in a way we hadn't when we were focused on
Each others bodies.
When you told me about the women you dated after me,
And the ways in which they wronged you,
And I wanted to hurt them, but you said,
"No".

It was later again, after I married, then left the boyfriend,
(But kept the cats)
And you moved across the ocean
That I missed you most;
That I realized your importance to me,
And that you found my phone number in a pile of papers;
That I finally felt settled in my skin.

I'm not big on the whole tagging thing, but I think there should be more poetry in the world, so I'd like tigerleo, semicrunchymom and noirbettie to give this a shot. Also if you like to read poetry, please go check out Natalie Smith's poetry, but bring some tissues, 'cause she's goooood.

The Pratchgan is Done!

In this post from February I talked about The Pratchgan, and showed you my humble square.

If you click on the title of this post, you can get to Ramblings of a Yarn Junkie, the blog of the wonderful woman who was the heart and soul of this operation.

Here's her photo of the Pratchgan, in all it's glory:

Hopefully, she will be able to hand it to the man himself later this month.

There's been talk of doing a Pratchgan knit along (where as a group, we would knit squares designed by each other, so that we all wind up with our own afghans at the end of it). Given my group of friends' love for Pratchett, I may wind up knitting squares for years!

From left to right, that's Tiffany Aching, Magrat, Granny Weatherwax, and Nanny Ogg. Other attendees at that particular party included Lord Vetinari, The Cheerfulness Fairy, Death (with his guest, the Death of Rats) and the Luggage. Yes, we have a lot of fun. *grin*

Bitter Music

I am making a mixed cd for a recently single friend. She's into hard rock, skulls and leather, and is waffling out of the "righteous anger" phase into the "I sent him an email" phase and we're hoping to get past this part and into the "what did I see in him anyways?" phase sooner rather than later.

While noodling around on the intertoobs for song ideas, I came across this: Cold and Bitter, which ends with this paragraph:

"Full of Grace - Sarah McLachlan (Buffy the Vampire Slayer)
No matter how badly your relationship turned out, it's unlikely that your lover lost his soul, became a vicious killer, tried to send the world spinning into hell, then regained his soul moments before you had to impale him on a sword to save the universe. Lost and broken, Buffy wanders away from her hometown of Sunnydale at the end of Season Two, taking a bus to Los Angeles as this tearjerking song plays - "I know I can love you much better than this..." Yeah, I think you probably could. Just don't stab him this time."

Made me giggle.

So, here's the tentative song list:
Bloodletting - Concrete Blonde
Who Knew - Pink
Not a Pretty Girl - Ani DiFranco
Thorn in my Side - Eurythmics
I Don't Care - Apocalyptica feat. Adam Gontier
Pain - Four Star Mary
Laid - James
Ballad for Dead Friends - Dashboard Prophets
Hate Me - Blue October
Juke-Joint Jezebel - KMFDM
Wearing Me Down - Dashboard Prophets
Bullet with Butterfly Wings - Smashing Pumpkins
Machinehead - Bush
Everybody Knows - Concrete Blonde
What I Did For Love - Me First and the Gimme Gimme's
Time of Your Life - Green Day

I deliberately left out stuff like "You Oughta Know" because she's already got that one and similar songs on a different "Bitter" compilation I made for another friend a couple of years back, and I'm aiming for this to be on the harder side of things, Eurythmics and Ani DiFranco notwithstanding.

So, any suggestions?

Happy Dance

One of the best things I've seen in a very long time:
Where the Hell is Matt? (2008) from Matthew Harding on Vimeo.

Take a tissue, 'cause you'll cry while you're laughing. You might just get up and dance yourself.

Either way, it's truly joyful.

You may call me "Mistress"

Two of my very dear friends will be marrying each other in about a year and a half. Last night at tea (yay, Tuesday) I was very honoured to be asked to be their Mistress of Ceremonies.

They're actually going to give me a microphone! Wooooohoooo!

(Just kidding, guys, you know I'll behave myself.)

So excited! *grin*