...so I don't have to dream alone

This past weekend I over-scheduled myself, which is a pretty common thing for me.  I get so excited about having time to do things that I try to cram 48 hours of things into 24 hours.

On Sunday, I missed a chance to go to a Lammas ritual with a local pagan group I've worshipped with a couple of times.  I went to a Pirate Festival with my friends instead, which was pretty awesome, and I got an amazing leather Steampunk-themed waist cincher.  But that is beside the point, because I have been missing a spiritual community.

I used to have a really strong spiritual community. My friends were also the people I worshipped with, and it filled so many of my needs.  Unfortunately, just over a year ago, my circle disbanded because I was the only one still feeling a need for ritual.  So I have practiced alone, or with one friend, or with this other group of people that I am still getting to know. 

As much as I enjoyed my Pirate Sunday, I missed going to ritual.

Apparently, my subconscious agreed with my conscious, because this morning I participated in a dream ritual.  I remember the tail end of it: the fact that there were a lot of people there, some friends, some strangers.  I remember singing, although I sadly cannot remember the actual song.  I remember dancing and drums.  And then my alarm went off, and the dog needed help, and the feeling faded a little, but I could still hear singing on the edge of my hearing, like someone's radio was on in the next townhouse over.  I crawled back into bed for a bit, and breathed, and reached out for the dream.  And in that few moments, I heard a voice.  It was partly mine (or at least the way I sound in my head) and partly another woman's voice.  She/I said "You aren't alone, even when you feel like you are.  You will get what you need, even if it's not what you think you want.  You will be supported, and loved." 

It's been a bright spot in a dark time, and I'm thankful for that moment.

The finer things

I just took a break from doing homework to have an amazing dinner - almost all of which came from vendors at my local farmer's market.

Mixed greens (purchased earlier this week from a local butcher shop/small grocer) with some red bell pepper, mushrooms, cherry tomatoes, dilled goat cheese and grilled salmon, all topped with fresh strawberries and a splash of raspberry balsamic vinegar (the only thing that came from a supermarket). To drink, organic 1% milk from an Ontario dairy.

I am blessed to have the wherewithal to feed myself this well.

So blessed.

I smell like pool!

I was rudely awoken this morning an hour before my alarm was set to go off by a stinky cat bum in my face. I got up and cleaned her up and realized that I was not going to get back to sleep. So, what do you do at 5 am on a Friday morning? My usual choices would have been
1. to climb back into bed, steal the covers back from my husband and lay there for an hour, perhaps falling back to sleep 15 minutes before the alarm would go off
2. to head into work, getting there almost 2 hours early
3. to fall back asleep on the sofa in front of the tv and wind up running late, panicked and grumpy.

Now I have a new choice to add to that list: go to the gym. A little over a month ago I joined a fancy schmancy gym. The point of joining this particular one, the most expensive in my city was to do exactly what I did this morning. They are open pretty much 24/7 and there is a women's only pool there that is open from 4 am to midnight every day but Sunday. I was in the pool this morning by ten to six and swam lengths for a half an hour, before relaxing in the hot tub for a few minutes. I was showered and on the road to work with a breakfast smoothy from the gym's coffee bar by 7 am.

Once upon a time, even if I had had this option, I wouldn't have taken it. Now I'm finding that movement, whether it's a Monday night Zumba class, a lunchtime walk with a co-worker, or an early morning swim, is becoming a necessity for me. It's a really great feeling, and is a reawakening of how I used to feel many years ago when I danced fifteen hours a week. What's really neat to realize (as I did in the pool this morning - swimming is also a great time for thinking) is that I am also not restricting myself to one moving thing a day. I didn't think "Well, I could go for a swim, but I'm planning to go to belly dancing tonight, so I don't really need to." So today, I swam, and I'll go for a walk at lunch, and I'll go to belly dancing tonight. Tomorrow I'll go to a Pilates class. I may not get to the gym on Sunday, but I may wake up feeling the need to move, and if I do I will, but if I don't, I won't beat myself up over it (which is also a new thing - giving myself permission to do exactly what I need to do for me).

I am really enjoying the discovery of me, and my body, and what it is still capable of, even after all the years of struggle and neglect and pain.

I don't want to miss a thing

Which is a mediocre Aerosmith song, but that doesn't make it not my truth.

I'm working full time, married to someone who works an opposite shift leaving us just one or two days a week to be married in. I start my first class towards a Project Management Certificate at a local college this coming Wednesday. I have just joined a local gym, and love it, and also have committed to giving them money for at least a year. I have a very active social life - I'm out minimum three nights a week having tea, knitting, watching movies/tv with friends. I am responsible for the well being of 5 cats and a very old dog, and doing stuff like making sure we have clean underwear and dishes. I also have a brazillion ideas for things I want to make - fibre, jewellery, food, clothing, children.

One would think that this would be more than enough to keep me busy. And it is. There are days when I feel overwhelmed and don't want to get out of bed (but I do).

And yet....

Today I sent off an email to the director of a new-to-me local theatre company asking if they are going to be holding a second round of auditions for their summer festival.

Because although it will run me ragged, I don't want to miss a thing. I want to grab all of life by the tail and ride it until it shakes me off, or I bring it down under me.

Guenivere

Just now, sitting at my desk, working on vacation reconcilitaion and listening to "Guenivere" by Shaye, I had a major revelation.

There was someone I was so angry with for so long. I just realized where part of that came from.

I was mad at her for being like me, with my storied sexual history, and her hiding affairs, and both of us being cheaters. She was meant to be the one who was stable and stuff, and she wasn't. I was mad that she lied to me, yes, and that she used me to further her agenda in her relationships, but I just realized that it was really that I was mad at me, and mad at her for being like me.

You see, until my current relationship, my current marriage, I have never had a relationship in which I was completely faithful. Even in my first marriage, which was an open one, I managed to go outside the rules of engagement, as it were.

This part of the song was something I believed about myself for so long:

"Sorry but I can't help myself
So I can't help you
I'm always searching
For something new
It's in my nature to be untrue"

It's something I still struggle against, and while I know that I wouldn't cross that line again (because trust me if it were going to happen , it would have happened this year), it's something I'm aware of. I get crushes, I flirt with people, but I work very hard at keeping that arm's-length engaged.

I wonder where this comes from in me. It's quite likely that at least one of my grandfathers philandered, and I know that another family member flirted with the idea but didn't follow through. Is it nature? Does it have something to do with experiences I had as a teenager and my resulting lack of self-care? I think the answer is a little of both.

Ultimately, I think I was chasing a fairy tale. People talk about how you don't want to settle, you should wait for the perfect...whatever. I don't think I have settled, although my life is not a fairy tale. That's just as well, since I would get pretty bored up in a tower all day.

"It wasn't just you, it wasn't just this
Maybe I'm looking for something that just don't exist
It wasn't just you, it wasn't just here
I'm not lady, I am Guenivere"

It was a joyful noise

Last night I prayed.

I stood in a baseball stadium with 55 000 other people while Bono sang, The Edge and Adam Clayton played guitar, and Larry Mullin Jr. kept time on the drums. They showed us images of Iranian women and children; protesters bathed in green stage lights while the band played "Sunday, Bloody Sunday". We were gifted with a message from the International Space Station by Frank de Winne during one song, and a message from Archbishop Desmond Tutu was the lead in to "One". During "Walk On", we were introduced to the plight of Aung San Suu Kyi while the volunteers who helped mount the concert filed across the front of the stage and were thanked for their work.

The roof of the Rogers Centre was open so in addition to the phenomenal light show inside, we were treated to the sight of the CN Tower's nightly light show, which at times seemed to have been programmed to enhance U2's performance. Better than that was the energy, the wind on my face as I raised my hands, and sang, and clapped, and laughed until I cried from the sheer joy of it all.

There is nothing quite like the sound of so many voices being raised together in joy.

"...beauty's religion
And its Christened me with wonder"
-If Venice is Sinking - Spirit of the West

Calefaction

There is something about baking that does good things for me.

I am not a good enough baker that I can bake without following a recipe. I enjoy the process of looking through my books, or searching for a recipe online. I choose cookies, or muffins or a cake, based mostly on how good the picture looks, and what I already have in my pantry. I will substitute if I don't like or have one of the ingredients. You will never find a raisin, current or any candied fruit in anything I bake, and I am against maraschino cherries on principle. Next I assemble all the ingredients and tools that I will need. It took me years to remember to turn on the oven at this point - baking has finally taught me to think ahead a bit. I enjoy the measuring, the stirring, the kneading. I love the chemistry that makes three separate things (butter, sugar and flour) in to one (cookies). The part I enjoy the least is the cleaning up, but my husband has taught me to do that as I go, which really does make the whole process much simpler. Finally, I love the anticipation of the final product. The smell as it bakes, getting to poke it with a stick to find out if it's done, trusting that even if it looks a little funky, it will taste good anyway.

Jumble

This has been a very tiring week. Work , personal finances, lack of sleep, emotional stuff...yeah, I'm pretty tired.

I could write about it all: new babies and old friends and my health worries, trying to keep afloat without feeling resentful, animals that think 5:30 am is a normal time of day to wake up...each of those could be a blog post, but I just don't have the energy.

Knitting hasn't been going well either. I took a course in toe-up socks at All Strung Out, taught by JohannaB that was awesome...but I didn't measure properly and my socks are too big for my feet. I have been working on the February Lady sweater since November. I picked up the stitches for the last sleeve on Saturday, and knit it inside out for an inch and a half. I bound off the wrong edge of a baby sweater. Lots of knitting fail.

So here are good things:

I passed my Canadian Firearms Safety Course (Unrestricted) last weekend with 100% on both the written and practical tests, and the new knowledge took something I was doing to make other people happy and turned it into something I'm actually excited about.

We can pay some major bills this week, since the severance pay finally came in. Also, I can get a hair cut, and hopefully squirrel away a little walking around cash for the Knitter's Frolic at the end of the month.

Tonight is knit night. Tomorrow is sleeping in (animals be damned) and Replacement Tea. The BlackBerry is staying at home for both events.

We have a roof, and running water, and food, and I am mostly healthy (my new, awesome doctor is helping with the health part), and my cats and dog love me unconditionally.

I have awesome friends at home, at work, and living in my computer.

Finally, I am running a constant soundtrack of feel-good music between blip.fm and my iPod. Music makes my world go around, yes it does.

This

This poem, this writing, this begins to say for me what I haven't been able to say for myself.

Round

If I write more now, I'll wind up in tears at my desk, but that poem at Ampersand, it's a start.

Early Resolution

I have been thinking a lot recently about what makes me happy. What external things, what about myself, what activities make me truly happy.

I've got a pretty good list put together, and I've noticed a common thread: mostly, I really like to connect with people. Obviously, I mean people I like, not crankypants people at the mall. Not so obviously, "people I like" doesn't neccessarily mean "people I know" or "people I get to spend a lot of time with". Sometimes "people I like" also means "I like you in small doses, say for an evening", or "you live in my computer, so we can't go have a coffee, but I like you anyway". This also means that I have been thinking that people I don't like so much, I should maybe avoid.

Where I fall down on this (and on just about anything else I decide I want to do that will make me happy) is that I skew towards the lazy. It's easier for me to sit on my couch and knit and watch tv than it is to do just about anything else (this is why my kitchen isn't nearly as clean as it could be). I also have a tendency to get over excited about things and book myself way too much to do, and then wind up all burnt out, sitting on the couch, knitting.

So, I am starting small. I am sending Christmas cards (and now that I've said it in public I have to do it) and some emails. Once the crazyness passes in two weeks, I'm going to visit some people who aren't too far away, and spend some time at my local yarn shop. Then, late January/early February, I'm going to cram a whole bunch of visiting into one weekend. I know that I'll keep my momentum until about March. I just have to remember that I like spending time with people, and that while my couch is also nice, people have a tendency to move far away, and my couch ain't going anywhere.

Something came over me last week.

I reached out to two people that I typically only have contact with when it is absolutley neccessary.

This resulted in a good phone conversation and a lovely Saturday morning.

There's something to be said for the spirit of this season.

It's December!

First things first: we've got some pretty interesting stuff going on politically in Canada right now, that could see a change from our current newly re-elected government, to a coalition government.

My friend J over at My Artsy Pet Pursuits explains it far better than I could, so go take a look.

Moving right along!

It's December. Twenty-three sleeps until Christmas morning. This means that I put up our decorations on Sunday. Usually, I wait (at my husband's request) until after December actually starts, but this year I jumped the gun by a day.

We now have Santas (the one on the left was made by my aunt):

Stockings with elf clothes hung up over top of them:

And a tree with colour changing lights on it:

We do have a much larger tree usually, but it takes up most of the living room and, more importantly, blocks the back door, which would mean that Roo couldn't get out into the back yard. Last year I was cranky and didn't decorate for Christmas, so it wasn't an issue, but this year I needed a fix, so we hit a local big box store and picked up this little guy for $20. I can only fit half of my decorations on it, so I chose the most important ones and made sure that they reflected both of us and our history together, as well as before we met.

Every year I give Fred an ornament. This is one I made for him our first year together:

Our second year together (yes, that is a black christmas ball):

Around the back of the tree, there is also a Millenium Falcon, and an X-wing Fighter:

I have enough angel ornaments of different kinds (cloth, wood, glass, ceramic, hand made, plastic, you name it!) to do a whole tree in just angels:

Finally, I have started my Christmas knitting:

Who needs sleep?

Since Daylight Savings Time ended a couple of weeks ago, I have been totally out of whack.

The other night I went to bed at 8:30 and slept until 6:15 the next morning, and was still tired when I got up.

Today, I woke up at 5:30, ready to go, after going to bed at midnight.

I would just like to say, "Body? WTF?"

Weekend Round-up

Friday night I went out dancing for a girlfriend's birthday (I was driving, so didn't drink). We closed the bar and had a great time. Saturday I felt like I'd been hit by a truck. It turns out that I don't bounce back from being out that late quite the way I used to.

Fred was gone most of the weekend. It was the closing weekend of the controlled deer hunt, so he was out at my Mom's farm, sitting outside in the wind/rain/hail/cold. Not my idea of a fun time, but he enjoyed himself. One of the members of his party brought down a buck, so now I get to learn how to cook venison. Any suggestions?

Yesterday afternoon one of my friends hosted a Mary Kay facial class. We had a very good time, and booked three more classes with the consultant over the next few months. We're going to do a beach party theme at the end of January (focuses on total body skin care and no-sun tanning alternatives), a before and after glamour make-over mid-December, and another make-over session in a couple of weeks in which the consultant has agreed to figure out what kind of goth pin-up looks we can come up with. I'm betting Mary Kay never envisaged that use for her make-up!

Finally, I picked up a new yoga dvd, produced by Ali McGraw. Wowee! There are some bendy bits in there that I didn't know my body was supposed to be able to do! It's a 53 minute long dvd, but I didn't feel like it took that long. It's going to be a while (like, years) before I'm at the level where I can complete many of the poses, but I liked it enough that I'll keep trying.

Personal Vending Machine

One of the perqs at work is that we have subsidized vending machines (yes, this is actually listed as a perq in our benifits rundown). This means that instead of paying $1.10 for a bag of chips or a chocolate bar that takes me 1.5 seconds to inhale, we only have to pay fifty cents. Which is great...except that I have been spending up to $1.50 a day on junk, resulting in me feeling bad about myself (food issues, yay!), and also throwing away my spending money.

My friend suggested I set up a personal vending machine instead. I have stocked my desk with some small cans of tuna, 100 calorie granola bars and chippy things, weight watchers cakes, and some cheese and crackers thingers. I also brought in a coffee can, and put a photo of the Slayer Scythe on it. Every time I want a snack, I pay myself the fifty cents, and hopefully by next year I will have collected enough to buy the replica to hang on my wall.

The Roar of the Greasepaint - The Smell of the Crowd

Last night we began the second of three weekend-long runs of "Come Back to the 5 & dime, Jimmy Dean, Jimmy Dean".

Although I have been performing steadily since graduation from university, it was mostly in outdoor venues, save for one very negative experience, and I had forgotten what it is like to be under lights. I had forgotten that you have to work differently to reach your audience when you can't make eye contact with them. I had forgotten just how much I love doing this.

Edna Louise has been such a wonderful challenge for me. She is sweet, but doesn't get the joke (any joke, ever) and is a doormat (for the most part). I spend a lot of time on stage not saying much, instead reacting to the stuff that is going on, the stories that the other characters are telling. I have re-learned how to listen on stage, to both the dialogue and the subtext, and how to use my body to convey emotions, as I also spend a fair amount of time not directly facing the audience. I have had to learn not to get the joke, and how to see the world out of someone else's eyes. So many of the characters I've played in the last ten years have been a reflection or inflation of who I am, so playing some one not-me has given me a stretch that I needed, and has made me so happy. I also find that I'm listening better when I'm not on stage, which is making me happy too, as I think I was losing that skill a little, especially the listening to subtext part.

I have had the opportunity to work with a fabulous cast and crew, who showed me that my fears about returning to community theatre were totally unfounded. Best of all I got to work with Trevor, a director who knows and loves this show even better than I do. He's fun, and fabulous, and has done wonderful things for my ego. He also takes a damn fine photo.

Bitter Music

I am making a mixed cd for a recently single friend. She's into hard rock, skulls and leather, and is waffling out of the "righteous anger" phase into the "I sent him an email" phase and we're hoping to get past this part and into the "what did I see in him anyways?" phase sooner rather than later.

While noodling around on the intertoobs for song ideas, I came across this: Cold and Bitter, which ends with this paragraph:

"Full of Grace - Sarah McLachlan (Buffy the Vampire Slayer)
No matter how badly your relationship turned out, it's unlikely that your lover lost his soul, became a vicious killer, tried to send the world spinning into hell, then regained his soul moments before you had to impale him on a sword to save the universe. Lost and broken, Buffy wanders away from her hometown of Sunnydale at the end of Season Two, taking a bus to Los Angeles as this tearjerking song plays - "I know I can love you much better than this..." Yeah, I think you probably could. Just don't stab him this time."

Made me giggle.

So, here's the tentative song list:
Bloodletting - Concrete Blonde
Who Knew - Pink
Not a Pretty Girl - Ani DiFranco
Thorn in my Side - Eurythmics
I Don't Care - Apocalyptica feat. Adam Gontier
Pain - Four Star Mary
Laid - James
Ballad for Dead Friends - Dashboard Prophets
Hate Me - Blue October
Juke-Joint Jezebel - KMFDM
Wearing Me Down - Dashboard Prophets
Bullet with Butterfly Wings - Smashing Pumpkins
Machinehead - Bush
Everybody Knows - Concrete Blonde
What I Did For Love - Me First and the Gimme Gimme's
Time of Your Life - Green Day

I deliberately left out stuff like "You Oughta Know" because she's already got that one and similar songs on a different "Bitter" compilation I made for another friend a couple of years back, and I'm aiming for this to be on the harder side of things, Eurythmics and Ani DiFranco notwithstanding.

So, any suggestions?

Weekend Update

My weekend started (sort-of) 12:15 am Friday morning, when the husband and I went to see The Dark Knight. Woo! Definitely worth the lack of sleep! I napped before and after the movie, and then went into work on Friday, where I mainlined coffee all day. The movie was dark and wonderful and creepy and exciting, and I'm so glad I went.

Saturday we went into the Big City to visit friends and eat sushi (yum!) then we got together back at home with friends to watch UFC. How I went from someone who hated sushi and wresting, to someone who will drive 1.5 hours to eat sushi and will spend 4 hours watching men pummel each other until they bleed/pass out is beyond me.

The very most exciting part of the weekend was yesterday when I spent the afternoon making cheese with my friend semicrunchymom.

We started with milk (and a couple of other things from the cheesemaking kit she bought):



And ended up with mozzarella:



Then we started out with milk again (see previous picture; it looked exactly the same), and ended up with ricotta:



It was very exciting to see the change from milk to curds and whey. It was one of those things that happens in moment, much like the moment when whipping cream turns into butter and butter milk. It was a lovely afternoon, and a fantastic reminder that cooking is really just math and chemistry.

Happy Dance

One of the best things I've seen in a very long time:
Where the Hell is Matt? (2008) from Matthew Harding on Vimeo.

Take a tissue, 'cause you'll cry while you're laughing. You might just get up and dance yourself.

Either way, it's truly joyful.

Little Things

Things I do:

• bring my coffee to work in my own cup
• bring my lunch packed in reusable tupperware, or re-used baggies
• pack my dishwasher as full as possible before running it
• use cloth or reusable bags for grocery shopping
• separate cardboard out for recycling
• hold off as long as I can get away with it before turning on air conditioning/furnace
• use biodegradable bags to pick up after the dog
• use some household and personal cleaners that are friendlier than others
• use some energy efficient light bulbs
• use as much recycled household paper products as possible
• eat locally grown or organic food
• I quit smoking last December, reducing the chemicals I'm putting into my body, into the air, and the butts that were being thrown away

Things I plan to start doing:

• keep replacing old lightbulbs with the energy efficent kind as they wear out
• keep replacing household/personal cleaners with friendlier options, and look into natural alternatives where possible (like vinegar as a glass cleaner)
• put up a note saying that I don't want junk mail/newspaper/flyers delivered to my mailbox
• start separating recycling beyong cardboard, and take it to the dump myself (our townhouse complex only has two dumpsters available; one for cardboard, one for everything else)
• find out if I can set up a composter in my back yard
• figure out a way to collect rainwater
• cut down on pre-packaged food, make an even bigger effort to eat local
• request a new fridge/stove/dishwasher from the landlords when we renew our lease so that we can get more energy efficient models
• take an extra bag with me to pick up garbage when I walk the dog

I'm sure there are more things that I could do, and likely a couple of things I'm already doing that I can't think of right now, but this is a pretty good starting point, I think.

I used to have a t-shirt that said "We don't inherit the Earth from our Ancestors, we borrow it from our children." That was a good shirt.