Breakthrough!

Conversation at my house just before I had to dash off to Ioga Friday night:

Her: I'm really glad that you're excited about the singing.
Me: Yeah, I need this kind of stuff to keep me going.
Her: I mean I'm really glad that you're excited about it.
Me: *quizzical look* Okay...
Her: *wells up* We're going to be able to fix us, right?


You could have knocked me over with a feather. I'm just so happy that she has acknowledged that there is a problem with our friendship. I told her that I miss her and I miss us and that I am perfectly willing to work on fixing us. I did say that it may still be difficult with us spending so much of our lives together, and she agreed.

On Sunday I got her a little something while grocery shopping, and it made her very happy. She came and hugged me and we had an actual conversation.

I know that this will never be exactly the friendship it used to be. I can't completely trust her for one thing. For another thing, I've changed. I'm not the same person I was for most of our friendship. I don't think she is either. So we'll see. I'm just pleased that I am no longer alone in knowing that there is something wrong.

I got tagged!

Tagged by gomalley of The Pirate's Pen! Whee!


Five jobs I have had in my life:
1. Retail
2. Fast Food Worker
3. Waitress
4. Actor
5. Secretary

Five movies I would (and do) watch over and over again (in no particular order):
1. Ever After
2. A Knight's Tale
3. The Princess Bride
4. Boondock Saints
5. Dodgeball

Five places I have lived:
1. London, ON
2. Milton, ON
3. Windsor, ON
4. Toronto, ON
5. Guelph, ON

Five TV shows I love to watch:
1. Buffy
2. Angel
3. Firefly
4. All the CSI shows
5. Wedding shows

Five places I have been on vacation:
1. France (high school French exchange)
2. Canada East (as far as Cape Breton)and West (as far as Banff)
3. Disneyworld
4. Las Vegas
5. Maryland

Five websites I visit daily:
1. The forums at Buffyguide.com
2. Craftster.org
3. Various LJ and blogs
4. Work related websites
5. cuteoverload.com

Five of my favourite foods:
1. milk
2. cheese
3. chocolate
4. peanut butter
5. bread

Five places I’d rather be right now:

1. At home.
2. Visiting friends.
3. Driving down the west coast of Canada/US.
4. Taking a cruise to Antarctica.
5. ORF, summer of '04

Five songs you like but are embarrassed to admit:
1. Anything by the Backstreet Boys. I own their last 3 cds. But I'm not really embarrased by it, and I can't think of anything else.
2.
3.
4.
5.

I tag Helen, Jenn, Curly Girl and Meghan!

New Stuff!

Added my noirbettie award (squee!) and re-added a weight-loss ticker majiggy down there at the bottom.


I've finished the scarf (it's amazing what 3 days at home sick can get you done when you only have just enough energy to sit up in bed and knit). It will be modelled for photo purposes (by me when I'm not looking quite so warmed-over) then given to the wee girl for whom it is intended. Now I'm having a little conversation with myself about all of the cross-stitch projects I have to finish before I can start stocking up on knitting stuff. I think I'm officially addicted.

Right now I'm working on the ritual for Imbolc (also known as Candlemas and Groundhog Day [wink]) for this weekend. Instead of doing a craft as we usually do, we're sharing poetry (either our own or something that speaks to us). It's the first time I've been the lead on a ritual. I'm pretty darn excited, let me tell you.

Gettin' Knitty With It

I did it! After 32 years and many attempts to learn, I have finally figured out this knitting thing. I was inspired by bettie and Fuchsia, the neat projects over at craftster.org and my desire to make the really, really cool things in Debbie Stoller's Stitch 'n Bitch books. Plus, people I know keep getting pregnant, which makes me want to knit things for them. I asked for the first Stoller book for my birthday (back in October) and didn't get it. I put it on my Christmas list, and didn't get it. So I went and bought the sucker, borrowed some needles and yarn from a friend and went to town.

I've been a crafter for years. My first solo projects included dresses sewn for my dolls and coasters stitched on that plastic canvas stuff, somewhere around the age of 8. Before that I'd been making Christmas ornaments and Mrs. Tiggywinkles and helping my mom card, dye and spin her wool for years. I also wove myself a scarf in there somewhere, on a floor-loom, no less. As a teenager I progressed onto cross-stitch and have amassed hundreds of patterns since then, and have a good ten projects on the go at any one time.

Knitting always eluded me. Three female relatives tried to teach me. Friends sat me down with needles and yarn. I just found it to be too frustrating, so inevitably I'd give up on it. I don't know what twigged this time, whether it was (like bettie) jealousy that friends could do something I couldn't which made me stubborn enough this time around; or whether it was the way Stoller writes her book with not just clear but also fun instructions; or whether it's because there are tiny babies arriving in the world soon, and I feel the need to help keep them warm and snuggy. Or maybe the universe just decided that it's my time. Whatever it is, I'm addicted.

And now I'm gonna show off!


First swatch in garter stitch! I had to pull it all out about 3 times before I wound up with this.


First swatch in stockinette.


First attempt to change colours.


First project! It's the Windy City (tm) scarf from the first Stitch 'n Bitch book, but I decided to change the colour more than once. It looks like the width is less than the picture in the book, but that's just fine because it's for my friend's 3-year old daughter and she has a little neck, being three and all. [grin]

I'm very, very proud of me!

Why do we do that?

Women, I mean. We devalue ourselves. I have a whole whack of awesome, intelligent, beautiful, amazing women that I count among my friends. Each one of them is unique and wonderful. And yet, we all downplay our good qualities. At the solstice gathering for my circle we each talked about how we had grown and what we had learned in the past year. Each of us has done some fantastic things and we were all able to say "Yay me!" about something. Then each of us said "But..." Yes, it is a good thing to continue to grow and change; to recognize that we're never really "done" and that we all have challenges to face and things that we would like to improve about ourselves, and I recognize this.

I just wonder why it is that we can't ever just say "Yay!" without adding the "But...".

IKEA, knitting, emotional release and an invitation

What a weekend!

Spent Friday night doing a whole lot of nothing, which was very nice for a change. Fred wasn't feeling well so he'd stayed home from work. We went to bed and snuggled while we watched a movie, and it was fantastic.

Saturday we spend a whole bunch of money that we really couldn't afford to part with. We started at IKEA. Went in to get a small storage chest, came out with the chest, a camoflouge computer chair (3 guesses who wanted that [grin] ), a bedside lamp, an overhead LED decorative majiggy (can't call it a light, since it doesn't give off enough of the stuff), an orange towel, a black wastebasket, a drying rack and fun clothes pins, and an orange kitchen brush with a suction cup on the bottom of it. Fred and I really shouldn't be allowed to go shopping together. We also priced stuff that we will need to get to replace furniture that will be going with Amanda when she moves out. We so need to start saving.

After IKEA we went to the mall to use up the last of the Christmas gift certificates and discount coupons. I picked up Stitch 'n Bitch by Debbie Stoller and I am excited beyond belief. I'm reading the book through first then next pay I'll be picking up some yarn and needles and tackling the task of learning to knit. Very, very excited! I've already got a mental list of who I can knit stuff for. I feel an obsession coming on!

Sunday morning I got up bright and early and went to my new gym for my first aerobics class. It was something called Basic No-Bounce, so you get a good cardio workout, but it's pretty easy on the knees. There I was in my brand new workout clothes (black pants, that I need to shorten, and bright orange top) bopping away to cheesy 80's remixed music. I lost the tempo, and had to stop using my arms because at points it just got too hard for me; I got out of breath and red faced; I wound up facing the wrong direction more than once. Through it all I had a giant grin plastered across my face. It was so much fun!!!! Then, just as we were finishing up the final combination, about 18 minutes into the cardio section I felt like crying. Not sad crying you understand, or crying because I looked like a great, flabby, orange numpty. Crying because I felt so good. Crying because I haven't had a moment that happy, just for me (i.e. completely independent of any of the people in my life), in what feels like forever. I can't wait to go back.

Sunday afternoon found us in the Big Smoke playing our monthly
Buffy-based RPG at our friends' house...where I was asked to be a groomsman in their wedding this October! More welling-up, lots of hugging and discussions about whether or not I really want to go to a stag party and watch women take their clothing off. I am so touched and excited that I've been asked to share in their wedding this way (I was already asked to sing, so this is an added bonus). Also, I get to wear a kilt. Whee!

Unresolved

I have never been one to keep a New Year's Resolution, and I see no reason to start now. That said, there are some things I'd like to do in the coming year.

1. Get healthier physically. I've quit smoking, which is a great first step. I started South Beach last year, but found that to be too much of a change right then. I'm going to give another look at it this year, once I have more control over my kitchen. I've also got an appointment to check out a gym tomorrow night, and went today and bought workout clothes that aren't from the early 90's. I'm FIRMASSing it over at the WD and attempting to be mindful about what I put in my body. So yeah, one goal started.

2. Get healthier emotionally. The past few months have been exhausting for me emotionally speaking. I'm tired of it. I've been working on my spiritual health with my circle and by myself, and that's been a help but I'm still spending far more time than I want to complaining about my life and wallowing in negativity. It's a very difficult thing that I hope will get better once May rolls around and Fred and I have our home to ourselves again. In the meantime, I am working on having more time to myself, and doing some self exploration. I've got a good handle on who I am now, it's time to work on the parts of me I don't like a whole lot.

3. Cultivate patience. There are good reasons why my life isn't going at the pace I want it to. I know this from past experience. I just need to keep reminding myself of it.

4. Have fun! Not to say that I don't already. It's just something I'd like to keep on doing.

On the whole things are really good. I have all my basic necessities taken care of and a whole lot of extras. I have my health and the health of my family. I have lots of wonderful people who give me love and support. Parts of 2005 were difficult, but more because of what was going on around me, and happening to people I care about than because of anything happening directly to me.

My wish for 2006 is that everyone I know, and everyone I don't have a healthy and happy year that is leaps and bounds above the last one.

Right, that meaning thing.

Please note: started this on the 28th. Yes, I'm slow.

After catching up over at the WD and seeing Simon's post, as well as reading the P@'s blog about it, I want to do a companion post to the Post-Wishlist. So, um, I am.

What I gave:

To my Dad:
- an engraved manicure set (The one he had is older than me. Really.)
- a jar of Robertson's Lemon marmalade

To my Mom:
- a flannel shirt
- her yearly unicorn, which this year was a book by Carson Kressly. I like to change things up so that she doesn't wind up with a lot of dust collectors. Last year I gave her a colouring book. [grin]

To my Frank:
- an anthology of Elmore Leonard stories
- a bucking bronco Christmas ornament; the cowboy looks exactly like Frank!

To Mom and Frank together:
- a 3-jar combo of food/cooking stuff: chocolate sauce, roasted garlic and onion jelly and bumbleberry jelly

To Fred:
- a Zboard with a World of Warcraft overlay
- a funky purple dress shirt with a matching tie
- new nipple rings
- some bath stuff
- a cross-stitch kit (this one, and the one above really are for him, not me!)
- some chocolate and stocking stuffers
- a mini-Robosapien
- a 365-day wolf calendar

To Dave:
- a goblin wall calendar
- a crystal skull with led platform

To Amanda:
- tiny resin bears dressed as Dorothy, the Scarecrow, the Tin Man and the Cowardly Lion
- an Alex Ross calendar
- a joystick you plug into your tv so you can play Pac-man without a computer

To various other relatives/friends:
- book about the mythological history of N. Ireland (Uncle Jimmy)
- celtic pin (Aunt Betty)
- cauldron (Becca)
- date book (Iona)
- HBC gift card (Jo)

Post-Wishlist

Since I never got around to posting my Christmas wishlist (sorry bettie!), I thought I'd do a list of what I did get!

From Dad:
- a pretty sweater
- socks
- stripy mittens
- a CD/DVD combo that I already have, so I'm giving it to a friend who doesn't have it and wants it badly
- a datebook
- my yearly angel (I've been getting an angel from my parents every year since I was born. Since they split up, I now get one from each of them. And other people have gotten in on the act. I'm probably the only pagan with a collection of angels.)
- lots of chocolate


From Fred:
- Hipeponymous
- a Buddha board
- a Gamecube with Mario Party 7 and Piglet's Big Game Adventure (I'm just getting into the whole video game thing, and kid's games are just about all I can handle right now.)
- a beautiful candle holder
- an orange mobile with a cat on it
- a Bad Cat 365-day calendar
- the South Beach Diet companion book
- 2 Christopher Moore books Practical Demonkeeping and Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ's Childhood Pal

From Amanda and Dave:
- the anniversary edition of A Nightmare Before Christmas
- a couple of nifty angels
- 2 wall calendars (one calico cats and the other monthly beading projects)
- a dance card from a witches' gathering in New Jersey from the early 1900's

From Mom and Frank:
- a teddy bear that is also a heating/cooling pad
- a Robin Hood Flour cookbook
- my yearly angel
- 4 sunflower drawer knobs
- a perpetual calendar for keeping track of birthdays, anniversaries, etc.
- Fred got a beautiful dart board, the kind that comes mounted in a cabinet and has the chalk boards attached

From Fred's family:
- a crocheted afghan
- a beautiful purple and blue mohair coat
- a 6.5 litre slow-cooker
- a 4-slice toaster
- a photo of Fred and I from his sister's wedding
- home-make Bailey's

From various friends:
- a jar of cookie mix
- home made jam
- the 10 3/4 anniversary edition of the Pressed Fairy Book
- gift certificates for a restaurant and a movie theatre
- home made hair sticks with orange skulls and purple bats on them
- kitty cat tree ornaments

Yes, I am very, very spoiled. Even with all of that, there are 2 things that I wanted very, very badly and did not get. I asked for the Stitch 'n Bitch books, but I will be able to get the first one at least for my self in January with my sale thingy from Chapters.

Mostly, I wanted Fred to propose. I would have been over the moon if he had given me nothing else but that. Since I can't buy that at Chapters, I just have to keep waiting.

A new toy, and the long and the short of it

Item 1: New toy! It lights up and makes noise and vibrates and makes me smile!







That's right, I got a new cell phone. [grin]
Fred and I decided that since he had no cell phone and mine was worn out and we both drive relatively long distances for work that it would be a good investment to make. We have matching Sanyo 3700 phones that use the 10-4 system, so they double as walkie-talkies. This means that I can be in Toronto and Fred can be in Arthur and we can talk to each other without long distance charges. Yay! Plus, pretty screens and ringtones. I'm working on getting some Buffy hooked up.

Item 2: The long and the short of it.
Today is the first day of winter. It is also the day with the least amount of daylight, which means that from now on the days will start to get longer. It's often called the Winter Solstice, or Yule and it marks the return of light to the world and a time to look forward to spring. Some pagans will tell you that Christmas is just a co-opting of pre-Christian traditions, but I figure, like so many other things you find when comparing religions, it's simply a good time to celebrate life, and love and the good things we have, regardless of what may or may not have gone on thousands of years ago.

So be you Jewish, Christian, Hindu, Muslim, Buddhist, Pagan, Athiest, Agnostic or anything else I may have missed, I wish you the best of this time of year: love, family, friends, wonder and awe, remembrance and beauty. Feel free to tell me what your "best" is.

Blessed be!

The stockings were hung by the entertainment centre with care...

A week away from Christmas I have finally mailed the cards to people who live in the same country as me! Also done: all shopping for friends and family, with the exception of four of Fred's relatives that I have never met, and one of my friends who already received the gift I bought for her from someone else, but hey, I get a new yoga mat out of the deal. I have finished all the shopping for Fred's gifts except for a couple of stocking stuffers. Almost all of the already-bought presents are wrapped. All cards are written, except for the fancy ones for my parents and Fred. I get you could say that my Christmas preparations are exceptional. *ducks thrown fruit*

So my ramping-up-to-Christmas schedule is as follows:
- stop at the mall on the way home tonight for replacement gift for friend and stuff that room mate/co-worker needs to pick up
- after dinner, hide in room and finish wrapping what I have already bought
- go to friend's house tomorrow night for our Yule ritual and chocolate making
- do solitary Yule celebration at home on Wednesday, also take bath and paint nails, call my mom 'cause it's her birthday
- I think I actually get Thursday night free! I may do laundry.
- Friday (after I get paid) pick up last few things for Fred's stocking and wrap them, do grocery shopping so that I have something to feed my father for lunch on Christmas eve, and a gift for the kitties on Christmas

Whee! *jingles bells*


In related news, I am vying for the title of Best Girlfriend Ever (TM). The only thing Fred and I have a serious difference of opinion on is the amount of time he spends playing WoW (World of Warcraft, for those of you lucky enough to have missed this phenomenon). So there's this thing he pointed out called a ZBoard that is designed specifially, along with the various accessories, to make video game play that much better. He's been wanting this for months. In trying to come up with a gift for him I looked at a lot of different things, but decided that I should get him something he will truly enjoy and use on a daily basis. He's gonna be suprised for sure, and hopefully very pleased. I can't wait!

'Tis the season to run around like a crazy person...

I tried to write my Christmas cards last night. I managed to get through a whopping nine out of over 30. At least the people in the UK and US might get their cards before 2006.

Instead of sitting down with a nice cup of tea and my cards, and enjoying the Christmas episode of Corner Gas, Frosty the Snowman and The Worst Christmas Jobs in History I talked to:

- my mother, to arrange when we are seeing her at Christmas
- my father, to arrange when we are seeing him at Christmas
- my uncle, to arrange when we are seeing them at Christmas
- my father (again), to re-arrange when we are seeing him at Christmas
- my boyfriend's sister, to ask more questions about what to get for her kids

In theory, none of that should have taken very long. In reality, I saw about 20 minutes of television total and wound up with very cold tea.

However, this means that my Christmas Visiting Schedule (TM) is now set and I can get to planning the rest of my life. This coming weekend I have to:
- bake bread for a Christmas Tea on Sunday
- take a friend shopping for a sensitive item (whee!)
- finish the shopping for friends and family
- have dinner with friends on Saturday evening
- get all the gifts for my boyfriend
- go to the Christmas Tea on Sunday
- regular stuff like grocery shopping and laundry

Then I work for five days and wrap gifts at night after dinner.

Starting on Christmas Eve morning I have four straight days of running around the provice to visit family. Then I work for three days. Then I cram a lunch visit with more family in on New Year's Eve day before going off to a party at night.

I'm going to need a vacation from my Christmas vacation.

*hums "Most Wonderful Time of the Year"*

Domesticity

Friday night I baked four loaves of bread. Last night I cooked a 4 pound roast with potatoes and carrots. Then I spent three hours cross-stitching. Today I think I'm going to bake some muffins and I'm actually looking forward to cleaning my kitchen and doing a couple of other small chores.

While I have always enjoyed cooking, given the time and space, this is a whole new level of domesticity for me. Last weekend I found myself humming while doing laundry. I wonder if it is in part because I don't get to spend a lot of time at home, or if it is because I share my home with another woman who is also trying to assert her personality and I go all Martha in an attempt to compensate for the lack of control I have.

Whatever it is, I'm slighty scared by it and a little mortified. Mostly, though, I'm really enjoying myself.

Weird.

A-ha-ha! A-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! [crazy2]

Today I took my poor, sick car to see Justin. Justin is the guy that all of the boys I know around here (who are a bunch of gear heads) go to see when they have car problems that they can't handle themselves. Justin is g-o-o-d (and really hot, but that's entirely beside the point). He's also a really no-nonsese, not gonna beat around the bush, and won't take you for more than he can kinda guy.

Justin called me about a half hour ago. Apparently, my fuel pump is shot. On the one hand, this makes me feel good, because 1. I now know what the problem is and b) it's not something that would have turned up on that full diagnostic I've been putting off. Apparently a fuel pump is something that works until it doesn't and there's just no way of knowing when that will be. I feel all absolved and stuff. On the other hand this is pretty crap. It used to be that a fuel pump for my car cost somewhere in the area of $100 (please note that all prices are in Canadian dollars). Now, however, the fuel pump has a little computer inside it. So the part alone is going to cost $500-600. He's giving me a really good deal on the labour (see above what an awesome guy he is), so the whole she-bang, taxes in, is going to be $780.

*whimper*

Add to this that Fred's wheel-bearings are going, he needs new brakes and a transmission flush, for a grand total of about $500.

Christmas? What's that?

Breakdown

I got up as usual this morning at stupid o'clock. Negotiated the usual mess of tripping over cats and roommates in the bathroom and kitchen. Cleaned off my car and left the house around the usual time.

This was one morning that I really would have liked to stay in bed. I stayed late after work last night to have dinner and see Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire with some girlfrieds from work. On any other night I would have simply stayed with one of them instead of driving home at 11 pm in a snowstorm. However, the roommate is going to Atlanta this weekend, and had asked me to drop her off at the airport on the way to work. So I had to come home last night, in order to drive her ass around this morning.

I wound up getting about 4 hours sleep last night, between the getting home late, the being too wound up from the drive to sleep, the cat waking me up at 4:30 because she wanted food... You can see why I just wanted to stay in my warm bed with my no-longer-hungry cats and my snuggly boyfriend (who turns 31 today!).

So a grumpy, tired, cold me started driving to work this morning. About 10 minutes away from my house, my car died.

The roommate took a taxi to the airport. I got a tow home and am now in my jammies.

I'm going back to bed.

Is it just me?

Well, today I can't even get into Buffyguide, so I suppose it doesn't matter that I can't make any posts.

*whimper*

In other news, it is snowing. Pretty! Of course, it waits until the day I have to drive home.

Bleeding Canadia. (Just for you, Iago!) [wink]


Update!

I am thrilled to let you all know that BG is back up and running. Not only that, but I can post again! [dance]


I think I may need a different hobby...

And thanks to Jenn and bettie for the reassurance. [hugs]

Ssh!

Everybody here is sleeping. Frank, three dogs, nine cats (and those are only the ones that I can see. There are a bunch more around here somewhere...)

I am at my mom's farm because Frank (my mom's partner) had heart surgery and can't be left alone until some time next week. Mom took last week off of work, but had to go back this week, so I'm here. Frank is doing quite well, all things considered, but he gets tired easily and sleeps a lot. We chat when he's awake, and it's been really great having the chance to have time together.

I have been attempting to work from here. I used to think it would be cool to work from home. I'm not so sure at the moment. Of course this isn't "home", and it's not an optimum working environment. I have dreams of a beautifully decorated, sunny room with lots of plants in it; ergonomic desk furniture; a chaise lounge for reading non-computer stuff; a warm kitty in my lap; a high speed internet connection...

Being on a farm (well, this one at any rate) means that I'm working on a dial-up connection. Except that it's slower than your average dial-up, and therefore more frustrating, especially when part of one's job is to upload stuff to and download stuff from a company website. I call it Farm Dial-Up.

A side effect of the FDU is that I can't post at my favourite internet place (Buffyguide) or look at funny photos on my second favourite internet place (Stuff On My Cat). But my friends over at BG have been keeping me entertained, which is really nice. Internet people are fun!

I'll be going home tomorrow night, which is a Good Thing (TM Martha Stewart). Not that I don't like visiting the farm. I do; it's very pretty and quiet and soothing and centering. I can do about 3 days, 4 at the outside. Then I need to get home Fred and my cats.

And apparently, my internet connection.

Lest We Forget

In Flanders Fields

In Flanders fields the poppies blow
Between the crosses, row on row,
That mark our place; and in the sky
The larks, still bravely singing, fly
Scarce heard amid the guns below.


We are the Dead. Short days ago
We lived, felt dawn, saw sunset glow,
Loved, and were loved, and now we lie
In Flanders fields.


Take up our quarrel with the foe:
To you from failing hands we throw
The torch; be yours to hold it high.
If ye break faith with us who die
We shall not sleep, though poppies grow
In Flanders fields.

Actually, that's not how it works...

Last week I had this conversation:

Me: "So you sounded like you had a better day today."
Her: "Actually, no. But I can't take it out on the executives. That's what best friends and room mates are for."
Me: "You know, sometimes you have to give the best friend a break."
Her: "Oh sweetie, just let me know."

*sigh*

I've been thinking about this a lot. Let's put aside the fact that I was telling her to give me a break. Also, let's put aside the fact that I don't consider her to be my best friend anymore. She's a person I thought I knew and finding out that I never actually knew her at all and that the past six years have been largely a lie was a more difficult thing for me to deal with than the end of my marriage. Let's just put all of that aside for a moment and look at the main thrust of that conversation up there.

"I can't take it out on the executives. That's what best friends...are for."

I am not saying that I am perfect. I am not saying that I have never taken anger, frustration or upset out on someone who does not deserve it. However, I try really hard not to do so because I believe that the people you love - your spouse, your family, your friends - should get the best of you. So what does it say about a person when she believes that it's ok to deliberately hurt the people she claims to love?

I've gone through many emotions in the past few months. I've been hurt by being betrayed, angry at the fool I've been made of, sad for the loss of something that was so important to me, and so much more. Now I find that I feel pity for her. A mutual friend said of her recent behaviour (I am not the only one feeling like she's lost a friend) "It's like she's looking in a mirror in the dark. She's looking at herself to the exclusion of all else, but not seeing a damn thing."

There's a part of me that still wants to help her, to try to make her happy, or help her find happiness within herself. Unfortunately, the part of me that is tired of the lies and manipulation, of putting myself on the line and being let down again is the larger part. I'm attempting to stay positive, to find a balance, to keep the peace. I'm attempting to get through the next five and a half months with grace and a minimum of conflict so that I can get back to the business of creating a home, and a nation of two.

Bad poetry alert!

Disclaimer: if reading free-verse stuff that I come up with on my long commute home doesn't appeal to you stop here. Otherwise, proceed at your own risk.

Reclamation

One foot-high stalk;
Green rising out of concrete.
Surrounded by glass, metal, smoke, smog and impatience.
Amidst the man-made ruin She shows her resiliance,
Her desire for reclamation.